I could feel it coming on again. A sour bitterness toward
anything that had to do with prayer. Just a few weeks ago the movie war room
came out and my mom saw it without me. She wanted me to go, but deep down
inside I didn't feel like watching a movie on prayer. Deep down inside I was
holding a big fat self pity party grudge. I didn't notice it til today when I
was crying in front of my parents that i didn't understand why I'm seeing no
changes. My mom began to pray for me and I almost suddenly got stiff. I didn't
want to close my eyes, in fact I didn't want to pray to a God that I felt was
not there. I sensed it again when she brought up war room a few minutes
after...again. It was right away that I got a slap in the face with conviction
from the Holy Spirit. He woke me up to seeing how horrible of an attitude I've
had for a few weeks, and even off and on for a few years even!
Prayer is not the problem one bit. I was the problem. Just
because I don't see or feel God definitely does not mean he isn't real. And
just because my prayers aren't always answered the way I want doesn't mean He
is non existent. You see, God is so powerful that He can do anything He wants.
He has that capacity. Sometimes part of Him doing what He wants means it might
affect us in a way that seems unpleasant toward us, when realistically He says
ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him. Those whom He
calls children. He gives to us better than an earthly parent ever can. And if
they're a "good" parent (by our standards), that's a lot of love we
can never fathom or comprehend. Why yes he can answer our prayers the way we
desire at times, and when He doesn't we can trust He is still God and good
because He is in control. He's always answering our prayers and in the way he sees
fit. What He sees fit is the best way anyone can respond to our prayers as a
god. And He is the true God. When our desires and our wills line up with Him,
the way we view our prayers and His answers is completely life changing,
sanctifying, and peace bringing.
So I will end this with nothing more fit to end this...a
prayer:
My LORD, I lift up my praises to you for only YOU are worthy
of my praise. I extol you for you are holy, just, and righteous. I am filthy,
wretched and lowly, and yet you sent your son to be made lower than I. However
can I repay such a sacrifice? I will never reach that par. Nothing and no one
can ever atone for my sin in the way your son did. Forgive my fallen heart and
soul when I willingly chose sin in attitude, thought, and deed. When I decide
without a second in time that my ways are better than yours. My plans for the
future, my selfish desires, and the way I would deal with my health. You are so
quick to acknowledge me and at times I don't give you the time of day. You are
so quick to forgive and relentless in your love for me none the less. Thank you
for every breath I take. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my
heart be pleasing in your sight oh LORD my Rock and my Redeemer. Thank you for
never leaving me nor forsaking me in the testing of my faith. I put my hope in
you and cling to your promises of being pain free for all eternity when I meet
you face to face. I can't thank you enough. May I enjoy every moment, even when
they don't seem blessed. For you are constant goodness. May gratitude forever
be on my lips as complaining and questioning dwindle. Only you can satisfy as
my eyes rest upon you. I am so fallen and I lose sight of you very quickly, but
you always gaze upon me and never remove your eye from me. Thank you for a love
without conditions that is never ending, never failing. My heart is yours. Be
my all in all. Amen
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